Some Stories and Other Shenanigans

From The Onion: Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters

For Return  Of  Watch He Left On Dresser

MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation’s Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. “As I stand before you today, I wish to issue an appeal to my Hispanic friends all across this great land of ours: Please do the right thing and give me back my property,” said Romney, adding that while he didn’t want to accuse the nation’s 21.7 million registered Hispanic voters of stealing the watch, he was certain that no one in his family stole it, and that watches don’t just walk off by themselves. “I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of Castro’s Cuba—that if my watch is put back in its rightful place in the next two hours, I will consider the matter closed and no one will be the wiser.” With the watch still not returned at press time, Romney begged the nation’s Hispanics, “Please don’t make me call the—how do you say it? El policío? La policía? The appropriate authorities.”

The Onion, January 31, 2001; ISSUE 48-05